HOW TO SUCCEED IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY WITH YOUR SUBURBAN INDIE ROCK BAND IN FOUR EASY STEPS

So you wanna be a big famous music jerk, huh? Good call!

First, a little Music 101... Just about all the music you hear is essentially made by a bunch of adorable little human beings running around out there coming up with all kinds of different combinations of the same 12 notes from the same 5 instruments. These combinations are commonly referred to as "songs." (Songs also have "words," but those aren't important so don't worry about that right now.) Anyway, this group of human beings is often called a "band" and often time there will be "whiskey." At the heart, however, are all these different combinations of different noises and shit (like drums and guitars and stuff).

Based on the bands I have seen over the years, there certainly seem to be a lot more "bad" combinations than there are "good" ones. Humans have been at this for 60-some-odd years now ... You'd think we would have ran out of combinations by now, or that it would have gotten old and we moved onto something else, but it seems like every year there are more and more bands successfully -- or at least moderately successfully -- rearranging these notes and instruments to make things that don't sound like total sucky turds.

It's really not all that surprising if you think about it, though. It's infinitely easier/cheaper to make pro-sounding recordings at home today than it was 20 years ago, and the internet has made traditional distribution channels almost entirely obsolete. The further into the future we get, the easier and cheaper all of this will become. This means the pool of bands pushing high quality albums will just continue to grow and grow as the population grows and the recording technology becomes even more available.

Even though about 80% of these bands -- and subsequently all of their songs -- are just bad ideas from the beginning, the remaining 20% of "good" ones who are coming up with (or reusing) the good combinations of notes and rhythms still makes for an incredibly staggering figure. Whatever the actual number is, you can safely say it's FAR more than the music industry can support, and far more than the listening public can keep track of with their already-short attention spans.

In the future, there will just be more bands / more good recordings added to the mix. The industry is already overflowing to all-hell, but it's only going to get worse.

I remember reading an article in a magazine a couple of years ago that said there were something like 11,000 bands in Los Angeles alone. Of course, LA is a little different than other cities (95% of bands are shitty as opposed to the national average of 80%) but that's a different discussion altogether. Whether this figure is accurate or not, there are definitely at least 11,000 "good" bands in the country all fighting for the same little sliver of attention from the people who operate the "famous" switch (more on this later).

Basically, in order to make this work, it's gonna take some money, some time, some luck, and at least two lawyers. It *really* helps if your dad is rich. If you can't have a rich dad, then at least make sure your manager's dad is rich.

One "comforting" thought: There will always be a new generation of 20-something 'scenesters' to fund the whole underground machine one pint at a time.

OK. So, here's the plan:

STEP 1 - QUIT:
Don't even try. Just don't. Quit now. Before you start. Don't buy that guitar. It's too expensive and in 10 years when you have to pay the daycare bill, you're going to wonder why you wasted all that time and money. Don't even read past this sentence. Just turn off your computer and go outside and play flight wheel. Seriously. Why are you still reading? You are missing out on prime flight wheel playing weather today you idiot.

STEP 2 - JUST KIDDING:
If you are reading this, then you've made it to step 2! Congratulations! Step 1 was a trick-step specially designed to test your level of commitment. You passed! Take comfort in knowing that you are a fully committed and responsible person. I guarantee you are now ready to become famous.

STEP 3 - OH SHUT UP:
Realize that you are essentially just a spoiled brat. You've taken it all for granted at this point. Your life is so much better than a lot of people's lives because -- i mean, look at you -- you have the luxury of playing in a band and recording near-pro sounding songs in your basement. There aren't mortars flying into your house or people running into your favorite coffee shop with bombs strapped to their chest. *Things are pretty good*

STEP 4a - GO GET FAMOUS (DON'T HAVE INSIDE CONNECTIONS):
If you don't personally know anybody powerful in the industry who would do things for you as a favor, then you're gonna have to get in line and wait it out. You're probably looking at a typical 5-10 year term on the waiting list. While you wait, you will need to continue coming up with new combinations of notes that don't suck. Try to make them different from your previous combinations and combinations that others have made before you... But don't make them *too* different. You make them too different and people will think you have "lost it" and your career will be over before it begins. Also, you should lug your ass all around the country playing to 5-15 people every night because once you finally "make it" you can say that it was all worth it and tell other bands that they should do that too because that's what you did.

STEP 4b - GO GET FAMOUS (HAVE INSIDE CONNECTIONS!!):
If you DO personally know powerful people in the industry then this is great news! Just finish your album, buy some new hip clothes (should probably get a couple of vests), and wait a few weeks for them to turn on the "famous" switch for you and you should be all set!

According to the Law of Lowest Common Denominators, as long as your song's chorus is audible and catchy coming out of the Red Lobster dining room speakers, you'll be fine. Oh, also, have your powerful friend get your song into a car commercial. Apple Computer commercials are also a good idea while you're talking to him about it.

OK now go do it.

the end